When Should My Kid Get a Phone?

Start with what problem you're actually solving

Before anything else, answer this one honestly. What is the phone for?

If it's that you need to be able to reach them, that's a real problem, and it has a much smaller solution than a smartphone. A watch or a call and text only phone solves it completely, for years, without any of the rest of it.

If it's that they're walking home or taking the bus alone, same answer. Location and calling. No browser, no app store, no social media.

If it's that everyone else has one, that's real too, and I don't think you should brush it off. Being the only kid left out at that age isn't nothing. But notice that it's a social problem, and a full smartphone is an enormous solution to it. A basic phone usually solves most of the left out feeling, because what they're missing is being reachable in the group, not the internet.

And if it's that they want the internet in their pocket, that's the actual decision most of us are making without ever saying it out loud. Say it out loud. That's the one to be deliberate about.

How to tell if they're ready

Age tells you almost nothing. These things tell you a lot, and you're looking for months of consistency, not one good week.

The biggest one by far is whether they tell you when something goes wrong. A kid who hides a broken thing or a bad grade is going to hide a bad message, and the whole thing depends on them coming to you. A kid who brings you problems will bring you the one that actually matters.

After that, can they stop something they're enjoying when you ask? Not happily, just reliably. Do they keep track of their own stuff, because a phone is an expensive thing living in a backpack. Can they handle being bored, because a kid with no tolerance for boredom will use a phone to never be bored again, and that's where the trouble is. Have they shown you good judgment when you weren't watching, and you can usually think of an example, and if you can't, that's information too. And do they ask before they install or buy things on the tablet or the console, because that habit carries straight over.

If most of that is solid, the conversation is reasonable. If a few of them are shaky, it's completely fine to wait, and I'd tell them why out loud, with one specific thing to work on, so it isn't just no.

Decide these six things before it comes in the house

Once it's in their hand every one of these turns into a negotiation. Before it arrives, they're just how it works.

Where it sleeps, and outside the bedroom is the single highest impact rule there is. Nothing else on this list is close.

What it can install, meaning whether the app store is locked to your approval or open. Pick one on purpose instead of finding out later.

Whether social media is happening at all, and which ones, because that's a completely separate decision from the phone.

Who pays for what, especially a cracked screen, because kids treat an object differently when breaking it costs them something.

What you can see and what you can't, and be honest about this one. Checking things secretly and getting caught does more damage than it prevents. Tell them what you look at and why.

And what happens when a rule gets broken, which you want to decide calmly now instead of angrily later.

Write it down together

A phone agreement sounds a little formal and slightly ridiculous, and it works anyway, for one reason. It turns every future argument from a fight about you being unfair into a reference to something they already agreed to.

Keep it short. Six lines is plenty. Have them read it out loud, both of you sign it, and stick it somewhere visible for the first month.

There's one line most families leave out, and it's the one I care about most. Write down what you'll do if they bring you something scary. Something like, if you see something that upsets you, or someone sends you something they shouldn't, you can tell me and you're not going to lose your phone for telling me. Kids hide the worst thing because they assume the phone gets taken away, and taking that fear off the table is the most protective sentence in the whole agreement.

You don't have to choose between nothing and everything

This is the part I wish somebody had told me sooner. There's a middle, and it works.

You start with a watch or a call and text device, which handles safety and reaching them, and that's often fine somewhere around eight to eleven. Then a smartphone with no browser, no app store, and no social media, so they get music and maps and the camera and group texts, which is usually around eleven to thirteen. Then you open up apps one at a time, each one with a conversation attached to it. And then eventually it's unrestricted, and you want that to happen well before they leave your house, so they're practicing while you're still around to talk about it.

Every stage is a chance to see how they do before the next one. Handing over the last stage on day one skips all of that information.

What's the average age kids get a phone?

Averages are a trap here, because your kid's readiness and what your family actually needs aren't the average, and everyone has one is usually less true than your kid is reporting. Ask two other parents in their grade and you'll get a much more useful answer.

Should a first phone have social media on it?

They're two different decisions and it helps a lot to keep them separate. A phone is for reaching people. Social media is a set of products built to keep them scrolling as long as possible. You can say yes to the first one and not yet to the second, and most families find that a lot easier than they expected.

Should I track their location?

Plenty of families do and I think that's reasonable. What matters is that your kid knows. Tracking they know about is a safety tool. Tracking they find out about later teaches them that you watch secretly, and what they learn from that is to get better at hiding.

They already have a phone and we never set any rules. Is it too late?

It isn't, but do it as a conversation instead of a crackdown. I'd say something like, I gave you this without really thinking it through, and that part's on me, so let's set it up properly now. Owning your half of it gets you a lot less resistance than new rules appearing out of nowhere.