What do I say when my kid wants a phone?

When your kid asks for a phone, you don't have to say yes or no on the spot. I treat it as the start of a conversation, because that's what it really is. You can say "I can tell this really matters to you. Let's talk about what you'd use it for, and what we'd both need to feel good about it." That keeps the door open and still leaves the decision with you.

What’s the best way to answer in the moment?

Get curious before you get defensive. Ask what they want a phone for, who they want to be able to reach, and what they think the rules should be. Most of the time they're asking to be included with their friends, and scrolling isn't really the point. What they usually need is a way to reach those friends, and that's something you can solve together without handing over a smartphone.

How do I know if my kid is ready for a phone?

I'd look at how they're doing a lot more than how old they are. Do they keep track of their stuff? Do they tell you when something online feels wrong? Can they handle it when the answer is no, and do they stick to the limits you've already set? A kid who can do those things with a smartwatch or a basic phone is showing you they might be ready for more.

What are good options before a smartphone?

A lot of families start with a smartwatch for calls and location, a basic phone that only calls and texts, or a family tablet that stays in the kitchen or the living room. Your kid gets some independence, you still feel close, and nobody has social media and the whole internet on day one.

How do I handle the pushback?

You'll hear "but everyone has one." Stay warm and steady. You can agree with the feeling and still keep the plan: "I believe you that it feels like everyone has one. Our family's doing this a little differently, and here's why." You're allowed to be the parent who waits, and you're not the only one.

What age do most kids get a phone?

There isn't one right age. A lot of families wait until middle school or later, and more and more are waiting until the end of eighth grade. The right time depends on your kid and what your family needs, and what other families are doing doesn't have to decide it.

Should my kid's first phone have the internet and social media?

It doesn't have to. Plenty of parents start with calling and texting only, then add things slowly as their kid shows they can handle them. Starting small is a lot easier than taking things away later.

What if I already gave my kid a phone and it isn’t going well?

You can reset. Say calmly what isn't working, change the rules together, and bring the limits back in. Changing course is completely okay, and your kid will see you doing it with them instead of to them.