The Phone Years
My friends are making plans on Snapchat and I'm not in the group.
What to say
Start here
"I hear you, and being left out of plans is a real thing that you're right to feel. Doing what I think is best for you sometimes means you feel left out for a while, and I'm not going to pretend that part doesn't hurt."
Name what's really going on
"Here's what's actually happening. Plans aren't always made at school anymore, they're made on apps, so when your friends are all on one app, that's where they figure out when everyone's hanging out. This isn't really about Snapchat, it's about not wanting to be the one who's left out, and I get why that matters so much."
Give them a way in
"So let's solve the actual problem, which is you not hearing about plans. Pick two or three friends and let's set up a way you can reach them that isn't that app. Text them, call them, have them here on a weekend. I'll help you set it up. And if you're still getting left out after that, come tell me, because then it's a different problem and we'll deal with that one too."
What not to say
"Just get over it." or "They're not real friends anyway." Minimizing the feeling makes them less likely to talk to you next time.
Why this matters
This is one of the most common reasons parents feel pressure to cave on social media, and it's valid. The key is separating the friend-group problem from the app itself, because what your child is really missing is the one place their friends happen to be making plans, and that has a much simpler fix.
Follow-up questions
- What would you say to your friend group about getting included another way?
- Do your close friends, the ones who really matter, make sure you know about things?
- If the group only connects through one app, what does that say about the friendship?