The Social Years
"I am just FaceTiming a friend."
What to say
Younger kids
"FaceTiming a friend is a yes. FaceTiming at midnight while you're supposed to be sleeping is a no, and the thing I actually care about there is the sleep you're missing."
Middle kids
"I like that you FaceTime your friends, keep doing it. The thing I'll ask about is when and where, because a call at nine in the living room is a different thing from one at midnight in your bed. Take it out here and I'll leave you alone about it."
Older kids
"I'm not against you being on FaceTime with your friends late. I just want you to be honest with yourself about whether the call is helping or whether it's only keeping you up, because from out here a call that's helping and a call you're hiding in look exactly the same from the light under your door, and you're the only one who really knows."
When they say it helps
"If talking to your friend at night actually helps you, I trust that. I just want to check in now and then, because a call that felt like the best part of your day one week can turn into something you feel like you have to do, and you don't have to do it every night."
What not to say
"You’re too young for a phone call at this hour." Adults do this constantly, so the rule has to be about something more honest than age.
Why this matters
FaceTime is often where genuine teen friendship happens now, so a blanket ban cuts off the real thing along with the late nights. The conversation worth having is about what a four hour call does to the next morning and whether they come off it feeling better or worse. Those are honest questions a teen can actually answer about their own phone.
Follow-up questions
- "How do you feel the morning after a long FaceTime?"
- "Is there ever a night where you wish you could say no but didn’t?"
- "What would your friend say if you said you needed to sleep?"